Ordinary

I recently asked two women to describe me. Each responded with "I'm thinking". It made me laugh really. I never once thought myself to be an ordinary, un extraordinary average man. I dont hold any thoughts of being super human or incredible in any way. I guess I only thought I was more forgetful than that. I dont harbor thoughts of myself being anything than what I am.

Of course, after some thought, a person gets the answer they expect. Intriguing, Intelligent, Sexy, Thoughtful, Charming, Funny, Handsome. BLAH ! If asked, I could respond with much better adjectives than that. And I dont need " time to think". When I get to know someone, I dont fool around.

I guess in a way, this bothers me. I dont see any of those qualities in me, and I have never thought myself to be above average. Ok, the funny part maybe. Since high school I have denied myself the thoughts of being handsome or charming. I have never agreed with being intelligent just for the fact I pissed away my grades in school and never made anything of myself. Thoughtful? That can describe anyone who takes a few seconds to put in words what their overcooked brain dares to think. Sexy...please!

When I sit and reflect on my life, I see two things, or facets if you will. What I am now, and what I could have become. What I am now is simple. I am a misogynistic, closed off recluse. I am lazy and prone to bouts of anger. HA ! they say the truth will set you free. Whatevah !!!

What could I have become? Not anything I wanted to, that's for damn sure. I am not political, religious, or active in any society. I cannot see myself in a position of power or responsibility. I am more apt to sit back and watch society crumble than step up and want to fix it. I didn't make their mistakes, I don't feel it's my job to dig them out of it. Callous? Probably. Cynical? Most assuredly.

What I am now represents me honestly. I don't lie to women to get them in bed. I don't tell them what I think they want to hear, and I don't fill their heads with thoughts or images of sugarplums or fantasy. The truth that brings a tear far outweighs a lie that brings a smile. I am who I am, and I apologize to no one.

Of course there is so much out there that I wholeheartedly disagree with, yet I remain silent. To those I see no good and no change coming from me speaking up. I don't offer unsolicited advice for this very reason. If you want my opinion, ask me for it, but don't ever presume I will offer it of no accord.


Now back to me. After all I have said, i don't see myself as ordinary. I know there is good in me, I have seen it escape once or twice. I know I am capable of anything I put my heart mind or soul ( what is left of it) to, but I prefer to sit back and watch as an outsider first. I am vain, self loathing and funny. A great combination in the right world. I am single and see myself forever being so. I feel I am above ordinary, even if by a small step. Nothing wrong with that.

Again, i am uncertain why I wrote this. It is entirely possible I needed to get this off my chest so to speak in order to move onto the next adventure. And to answer your unasked question, what would I be if I could be anything? A professional hitman. I feel I would be perfect. My soul is dark, my mind at ease. There is nothing here keeping me from wandering the world. And I like lots of money :)

Peace be with you all, and happiness be your daily mantra. This was not written to scare you, and there is no need to look for me in the shadows. There is still a 7 day wait for a gun.

Until next time, keep your chins up, and you cell phones away when driving.

Brandon